she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
