I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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