I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
