i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
