Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
