This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
