matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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