U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
