I just threw up on my dentist
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
