yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
