Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
