I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
