The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
