So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
