im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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