So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
