But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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