Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I smell stomach acid.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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