I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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