mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
