my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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