I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
