proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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