I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
