Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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