I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
