i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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