Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
