from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
