you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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