you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I understand Curling. That high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
