2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
