can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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