Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
