you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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