you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
