I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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