I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
