sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
