I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
