i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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