My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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