Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
