I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
