Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
