I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
