I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
