you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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