When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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