Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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