He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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