In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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