i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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