dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize