My underwear smells like fireworks.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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