Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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