ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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