this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
