he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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