So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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