my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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