"it" just moved
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
