turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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