I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
