Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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